just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize