I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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