Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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