Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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