it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
