Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
