You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
