Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
