Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
