Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
