My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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