Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
