party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
