Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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