you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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