I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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