32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
