Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
