On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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