You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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