About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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