foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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