so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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