I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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