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I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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