You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
