Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
How does one acquire holy water?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
