This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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