If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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