Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize