my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
worst night to have a conscience
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
