i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
