I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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