I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
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