dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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