legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
