my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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