I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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