kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
