My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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