I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
