I wish my penis had an off switch
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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