I am spending my child support on dildos
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
