I need to stop coming to work sober
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
