I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize