just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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