tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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