Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
