Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
