We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i think i have herpe
just one?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
