The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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