wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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