if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
