The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
is wine microwaveable?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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