waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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