I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
