I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
