It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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