best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize