So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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