he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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