new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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