Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
